Monthly Archives: May 2015

My Journey 4 – Looking past our parents and pain

It’s instinctive and natural for any child to have immeasurable faith and trust on its parents .They can do no wrong. They were our role models and we tried our best to be their replica. But as we grow older and gain more experience and insights about life , sometimes we come to a crossroad and it might be necessary  to stop and sort out our thoughts and feelings regarding our parents before we proceed on our chosen path . Beliefs and thought patterns acquired over the years may possibly have to be adjusted or amended. I went through this testing  process and I sincerely felt I like to finally share it with you  .

My father passed away when I was little and my mother was left to raise my siblings and I. Though my mother loved us in her own way but it was a known fact that she was just waiting to hand over the responsibility of being a parent to someone else and she just wanted to overseer the process. In short she wanted the post of a mother but she was not willing to go through the process and the experience including the ups and downs of being a mother. I was oblivious to this fact at first but as I grew older I became more aware of the absent of warmth in our relationship. Today I do not want to talk about my mother but rather about my deceased father. God bless him.

My father was well educated and a very loving man. He was very caring towards his friends and his relatives. He was known for his generosity towards people. He shared his home and life with some of his friends from his hometown. There was constantly a steady stream of friends and relatives visiting my home when I was young. My father had a heart problem and he knew he had to be more careful with his health. He passed away, barely touching fifty. From then on it was downhill for my siblings and I. We were tossed around from one stressful situation to another. I can’t speak on behalf of my siblings but as far as I was concerned, I was truly emotionally and mentally drained by the time I left my teens. On top of that , I had so much of anger bottled up in me towards the spiraling situation and family members around me. As I grew older .I had an opportunity to work through and sort out all the negative emotions I have kept over the years.

One thing that caught me by surprise was the resentment I had towards my father. For years , I assumed the pain I felt whenever I remembered him, was about how much I missed him and how sad it was that he was not alive to share my success both in my education and career. I was very much shocked when I discovered I was actually suppressing resentment directed towards him. Maybe I refused to acknowledge the resentment much earlier in my life and I camouflaged the feeling to look like pain. It was also possible that I was embarrassed to express anything negative about my father cause it sounds rude and it may give the impression that I don’t love or respect him.

In actual fact, most of the values I hold dear are from my father. The respect and acceptance I have of others, immaterial of race, religion, rich or poor comes from my father. He practised and cultivated integration and feminism some fifty years ago. He was my first hero. So where did the resentment come from ?

As I told earlier, he had a heart problem unfortunately, from my perspective, he continued to chain smoke n didn’t really care for his health much. He did not rest or eat well. He did not adamantly insist on being particular about his health and well being. When I was little, I tagged along with him a lot and in later years of my life  ,I vividly remember his weary shoulders and gloomy look. It looked like he was not happy.  When I was working through my bottled up and messed up emotions sometime ago, I realized his sadness probably had to do with my mother and maybe with his own childhood . Was his lack of interest and care for his life justified ? As I pondered , I realised  he was wrong. As a parent and spouse myself , would I let go of the love for my life and my children just because I had a difficult spouse. Isn’t it a parents’ responsibility to nourish and to give their children a head start in life more so when you know your spouse is the weak link in the marriage. Wouldn’t it be a sensible plan to buy a house for one’s family just in case something happens to one’s life especially after the first warning alarm regarding one’s health. Why didn’t he think of his children? Why ?  As I questioned myself , I discovered the resentment, sitting just below all the pain.

Whoever said honesty is the best policy, was absolutely right. When my honest and genuine emotions surfaced , I was able to find my closure. I was finally able to accept , forgive and let go of the resentment I held for years. I was free to thank him for bringing me to this world and allowing me to be part of his life. It was a very good feeling to let off an old heavy burden which I had carried for years. I hope some of you out there who is struggling even to acknowledge even the extinct of some kind of a resentment towards one’s parent , this article will help you to have the courage to work on it. Work on it and free yourself. You are not impolite, conceited , hard headed or a troublemaker for acknowledging your thoughts about your parents. Admit it , understand it , accept it ,let it go and move on . It’s important to avoid  negative emotions or feelings to fester cause they might a) * zap up our energy and make us lackluster   or  worse  b)  * grow stronger and spill over to our other relationships.

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